Rebuild your life after divorce

Rebuilding your life after divorce can be a slow process. Depending on your situation and how complex or conflicted your separation was, it is worthwhile giving yourself some grace as you begin to rebuild your life. 

Whilst it can be daunting embracing the single life, it is also an opportunity for you to reflect on who you are, and what you want out of the next chapter of your life. 

Most importantly, it is entirely possible to lead a happy single life until you feel ready to welcome a companion again.  

Here are some ways in which you can rebuild your life after divorce or separation.

1. Acknowledge your grief

It is normal to feel sad and even grieve after a divorce or separation. Research shows that divorce is the second most painful thing to happen to a human (with death of a loved one topping the list).  The healing process can take time, so accepting this can help you manage your expectations when wondering ‘When will I be OK?’.  So be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to grieve as much as you need. 

2. Take your time starting a new relationship

It is non-advisable to get into another relationship until you are completely over your last one, or feel you have sufficiently ‘healed’.  Also, being alone with yourself allows you to do some deep self-reflection work, so you are more informed on how you want to emerge from divorce, and show up in the world.

3. Leave the past behind 

Though it’s not easy, try not to carry the burdensome feelings from your past relationship into your new life. Figuring out a way to manage the feelings you have about your marriage coming to an end is an important step with rebuilding life after divorce.  You may be feeling sadness, anger, disappointment, resentment or even hate. These emotions are ‘clues’ on the areas you still need to heal internally.  So pay attention to them.   You may need time to process your emotions, blocked trauma, and grief with a professional therapist.  When you can talk about you divorce without it invoking a reaction from you, it is a sign that you have healed. 

4- Shift your focus

You may find yourself reminiscing about the past, and going over historic events and conversations in your mind.  When this happens, it is important to shift your focus from the past, and direct your attention to the present moment.   To immediately re-anchor yourself, you can try focusing on your breath.  Do the ‘box breath’ to ground yourself and bring immediate calm internally. Simply breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, then hold again for 4 counts.  Do this for at least 1 min, to snap yourself out of the movie from your past. 

5. Engage in hobbies and activities

What activities and hobbies have you always wanted to do? or are there any fun activities that you would like to bring back into your life?  Scheduling new activities can help you start to look forward to things.  Build up your calendar with inspiring events that get you excited.  When you start to resurface by doing the things you enjoy, you begin to bring colour back into your life. 

6. Dream

Make an appointment with yourself, carve out a calm quiet space where you won’t be distracted. Grab a journal and pen, perhaps a candle or essential oils you love.  Or play some soothing music in the background. Then give yourself permission to dream big.  

What do you want your future to look like in 1, 3, 5 and 10-years time?  Who do you want to be?  What kind of life will you be living?  Dreaming big can help inspire you to become future-focused so you can start putting the building blocks in place to achieve your goals. Begin with micro-steps.  One day at a time. One moment at a time.  

7. Identify your triggers

Although it is entirely natural to want to hide from feelings of grief, it is recommended you note down your triggers.  Perhaps seeing particular friends and family members may trigger your memories of the past, or places, smells, or physical objects can trigger a memory.  Note down your triggers so you know what they are. 

Then either eliminate the triggers; like throw away old birthday cards from your ex or bin the magnet you bought on a joint holiday, or re-frame the trigger to a healthier self-conversation by reminding yourself that that memory now belongs in the past, and won’t define your future.  Take the emotion out of the memory, it’s just a brick building that is a restaurant, and not the place your ex proposed to you over dinner.  

Learning to recognise and master your triggers, will give you control over them, so you can leave them behind and stop them contaminating your life ahead.  We once heard the expression FYI- Follow your irritation. 

8. Communicate

Create a support circle around you.  Figure out who can be your SOS buddy, your accountability buddy, or your ‘ear’ when you need to off-load.  Sometimes you may wish to grieve in private, however having a support network, including professional therapists can allow healing to occur faster.   

Speaking with your ‘inner-circle’ when you feel at your lowest ebb, or during your darkest hour can help to stop you derailing.  Keep in mind that you probably won't be yourself during these hard times and you might be tempted to turn to ‘numbing’ mechanisms like alcohol or other self-sabotaging behaviours.  Therefore, it is a smart move to be in proximity of people who are a positive influence in your life.  

9. Don’t take it personal

Don’t be surprised if you find your separation or divorce causes you to lose previous friendships.  Often old friends you had during your marriage (particularly friends who also still have a relationship with your ex) find it difficult to remain neutral.  So it’s common to see these old friends distance themselves so not to ‘upset’ anyone, or to ‘keep out of it’.  

10. Bring a change in your life

A change in your daily routine might actually help you get over things faster.  Whilst moving out of the country may be far-fetched, you can always bring little changes into your daily life. Replace old ‘family furniture’ with new items that give you joy.  Throw out your old underwear and treat yourself to something new and ‘unseen’.  Fill your home with plants, colour or other things that allow you to put your own stamp on your environment. Replace those bedsheets ;)   

You can also take this time to set up new family activities to enjoy with your children.   It’s all about replacing toxicity with joyful touches.  

11. Maintain a journal

Maintaining a journal can help you deal with any negative inner-dialogue you may be having. Or it can help you process negative memories that trigger you.  Research shows that regular journaling can help to improve your mood, which in turn can help you manage any big emotions. 

In summary…

Getting over divorce and rebuilding your life after you’ve separated is a process.  There are no magical ‘quick wins’, though the speed of your healing largely depends on your mindset. 

I hope these tips will help you take steps towards a healthier and happier life after your divorce. Remember it’s the end of a chapter, not the book.

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