How do I mentally prepare for a divorce?
Let’s begin this post with a dose of honesty. The process for divorce can be long or short. It may be simple or complex. It may be respectful or highly contentious. No divorce is the same, since we as humans approach the process and our feelings around it in different ways.
So although most divorces contain similar structural elements which need to be figured out (like the division of assets, child maintenance etc), the nuances within the process can be an unknown entity.
That being said, there are some fundamental things you can do to mentally prepare for a divorce.
Mindset
The most important thing that will help you remain as grounded as possible, is to work on developing a healthy mindset around divorce. Though the situation may look bleak, reframing negative thoughts and focusing on things that are within your control is evergreen advice.
The Past
Your mind may wander to memories in the past, which don’t serve you in the present. It’s worth creating your own ‘toolkit’ to deal with such moments, so you can gently redirect your thoughts to the present moment, and reconnect with your heart.
One technique to snap back to the present is to invoke your senses. If you find yourself daydreaming about your wedding day, or the day you broke up etc, ask yourself these questions:
“What can I hear right now?”
“What can I see around me right this moment”
“What scents can I smell right now?”
“What tastes are in my mouth?”
“How do my clothes feel on my skin?”
This simple awareness technique draws your attention to the present moment, so you break the mental pattern of thought. A pattern interrupt can be a healthy thing, when our mind wishes to take us down a dark path.
Mental Pattern Interrupts
Decide what ‘pattern interrupts’ work for you. Here are some ideas to get your started:
Box breathing- Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, release for 6 counts and rest for 4 counts. Then repeat a few times till you feel calm again.
Star-Jumps- This physical action creates an instant physiology change and can instantly break a destructive thought-cycle as your bio-chemistry changes.
Journal- The act of outpouring your thoughts to paper creates a transference of the energy you are holding within, onto paper. Meaning there can be a feeling of release when you brain-dump your feelings to paper. Have a go.
Meditate- We use Insight Timer app, which has thousands of practices to choose from.
Reframe- Change your thoughts into something more empowering. So instead of “I can’t believe he cheated on me, how could he do this to me?” you can try reframing the statement into;
“This incident has happened, I can’t do anything about it, but I am now free to choose my reaction and I choose to focus on building a healthier future”
Or
“I will not blame, I will seek to understand instead, and then I will make my decision”.
Both these reframed statements place the control of decision back into your hands. They are more empowering than adopting a blame-loaded position.
Exercise- Your body's stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol are reduced when you exercise. The movement will also stimulate the production of endorphins which helps you feel better.
Therapist/Counsellor- Visit a professional to uncover your triggers and gather tools to help you move forward.
Power Song - Choosing a power song to play if you go ‘dark’ can help instantly lift your mood (especially if you dance at the same time). You can create a playlist of empowering songs and motivational speeches, to help redirect your energy.
Podcasts - Have a selection of inspiring podcasts or Ted Talks you can play when you need to get some perspective. Brene Brown and Jay Shetty have some great content that helps with big picture thinking.
Gratitude- Expressing gratitude has been proved to change your bio-chemistry. So try listing all the things you are grateful for. Even though it may be difficult to find gratitude in a dark moment, we are surrounded by things to be grateful for. Start with basics (like being alive) and build from there. If you struggle with this exercise, you can try finding a guided practice on Insight Timer app, or try again another day. Give yourself grace.
Venting
Though friends mean well, repeating negative thoughts and experiences to people only makes you relive the experience, in your mind and body. So we advise finding a safe space and working with a professional therapist/psychologist/counsellor, so you can offload and identify patterns and triggers.
Once you have awareness around your triggers, you can work with your chosen professional to understand them and unblock them so you can move on.
Often friends and family don’t have the expertise to guide us this way. So whilst you may have the urge to vent and release, choose your audience with care.
Mindfit
Research shows that divorce is the second most traumatic life event after death. So despite following all the tips and advice available, give yourself grace if you still aren’t feeling yourself. Divorce is a journey and not a ‘cut and dry’ incident that is over in an instant.
There may be ‘aftershock tremors’ that are felt long after the divorce itself is done and dusted, particularly if you have children. So accepting divorce as a journey and focusing on your own emotional and mental ‘fitness’ will sustain you in the long run.
Support-Squad
Due to the ‘journey’ aspect of divorce, it is wise to assemble a support-squad around you to help support you through the various phases. Your support-squad may consist of family and friends, as well as therapists, a mentor, trainer, and even online support communities, or if you are spiritually or religiously inclined you may find peace in pursuing those teachings.
The idea is to surround yourself with those who can have a positive influence on you at a mind, body, spirit level, to help you in your darkest hour.
Inside Job
If you were preparing for a sporting event (which requires a push in effort and energy) you would work on your mind, body and spirit in a way that allows you to succeed on the day. Divorce is similar in some respects.
If you can focus on your self-care and becoming emotionally and mentally fit, it will help you overcome any challenges on the way. Becoming emotionally and mentally-fit is an inside job at the end of the day.
Though there is no shortage of advice and well-meaning gurus, the journey itself can feel lonely as it is you dealing with the day to day impact. Hence making an intentional decision to get yourself as aligned as possible, can help you operate from a position of clarity and empowerment.
Operating from a position of clarity and empowerment, is way more powerful than making decisions in an angry or ‘breakdown-state’, where decisions may not be fully thought out.
If you have decided that divorce is the way to go, then the next step really is to get yourself mentally ready as much as you can.
Free divorce support kit
Download our free divorce support kit. It’s loaded with resources, tips, advice and recommendations to get you well on your way to rebuilding your life after divorce. Grab your kit right here for you or loved one.
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